The other day I went to the local food emporium. Now I don't know if this is a cultural thing, a store policy, or just one of lifes little HUGE ANNOYANCES but, it takes for ever to get through the checkout in this (and other) stores around here.... And people don't believe me when I tell them that I take along a book to read when I am there, for this very contingency. And in case you weren't wondering, I actually DO take one, in fact, about ten currently. Back to the plot.... It was an evening time, and there were already a lot of people in the store, and waiting (so nothing wrong there) as usual at the checkouts. I must also mention at this point that the deli counter is exactly the same. You wait for an eternity at this counter too for anything to actually happen. It seems to that no matter how quickly you reach the front of the line, you still spend the required amount of time AT the counter/check out. So by now perhaps you are thinking, "Well, why don't you look to see what is going on and then you will know why things take so long?". I have done and there are a few conclusions you can reach just by observing the apparent non-activity behind these counters.
Not wanting to bring too much on myself in the form of any legal proceedings, suffice it to say, you yourself have probably thought similar when faced with a zen like shop worker, who doesn't so much scan the food, as encourage it to scan itself. I feel sometimes that it would be quicker to train the plastic bags to catch the food coming along the counter, rather than wait for the transendental like manner in which they are allegedly "packed"...
All this lead to a newer (i.e. less leagally risky) theory, which goes something like this....
If you ever stand in line at one of these fine food establishments (and believe me you will:) notice the majesty of the lines as they arc away into infinity. This is all to do with time and space and those dimensional aspects of all things like that, you know what I mean. While you are in these lines you are in fact in such a LONG line that it exhausts all the usual three dimensions and strays into the fourth. The fourth being TIME. So time begins to slow as you enter the line, and at a certain point, stops all together. So it's nobodies fault really that the wait is about 20 minutes or so to serve about three other baskets full of goodies. It just APPEARS that way due to relativity. It only LOOKS like the shop worker is moving at a pace resembling a performance art piece, on the interpretation of how mould spreads. They of course are moving along at a brisk work-like pace whistling a happy tune as they merrily meditate your goods into the bags.
I was unfortunate enough to be involved in what one can only describe as a near death experience. Similar to being ejected from a space ship in a fully functioning space suit, but with only a limited amount of oxygen to sustain my pitiful existance for a few more hours. So you are perfectly safe, but doomed anyway. The incident was being in my part of the trans-dimensional wait for the holy blessing that is the electronic scanning device (with what seems a hit rate of a Star Wars storm trooper on the first take of the day) when the check out person decided to savagely cut us loose in our stasis! Meaning that with 5 more people still to go (roughly 90 mins by my calculations) she said that she would no longer be serving (and I use the term loosely) any more customers. Horror of horrors! Now I think that this must have happened before. So while the different shopping carts were being manouvered in the tight confines of the docking area around the check outs (sounding much like sighing and tutting although I knew it was really the thrusters making the noise) having to travel even FURTHER back in time to some other distant line, I was slightly relieved to find we did have food on board, which would last about a week if need be. Then I shuddered to think of all the lost souls which must drift around on the uncharted currents, sliently floating to some massive trans-dimensional store graveyard. Harbouring a secret treasure trove of uncashed in coupons for cat food etc. The reason no one has DIED in these lines is that they sell food, and as such can guarantee the fact that everyone will survive long enough in just the aforementioned situation.
So you enter the store and immediately all sense of time is on some special rule. Then you join the line, where you go back in time slightly and THAT is why, from the great distance you see the check out person (speed of light does not apply here, as you are so far from them light just gives up and has a cup of tea instead of travelling all that way) they only APPEAR to be standing virtually still. Then as you get closer it is not the renewed looks of complete satanic bad karma, cast from the shopper onto the shop assistant that spurs them on (EVER so slightly) but the fact that relative to them, you are matching their time in space. Therefore, they begin to match your speed once more. The fact that your watch retains this time-lapse is merely your own fault for not correcting it later on.
With this knowledge in mind, it still makes the trip a long one :(
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