Ok, got to do a very extensive test of some new toys in There.com today. Had a good time swooshing about on a hover boat, and a complete wet dog fart of a nanosecond on a new style hoverpack, in the shape of a bug. They must have had this idea a LONG time to use the bug shapes, as I have seen no mention of it in anyone's wish list, and never heard a single moaning voice demand new style packs, or even any chat in general about them...total mystery that one..

That was all after I managed to be invited to a big bash in a nearby city (this is real life I am talking about now, so you can stop reading any time..) but as I got there, I decided, in a sort of three year old sort of way that I was simply NOT going to attend. Call me old fashioned, but going to a banquet fund raiser, when they can't get the upper echelons to turn out for it, as a seat filler really just got me in the stubborn gland today. I mean who thinks these things are going to be in any way at all, ENTERTAINING!!?!?! I don't know if any of you have been in the same position to be in a room full of people, all munching away, pretending to listen to the people around them, while also pretending to find them engaging, funny, riveting (I think you know what I mean by now.....) and an all round great chap who I just MUST fund for the next three milleniums... I never even made it to the table, I simply stopped in the hallway, mumbled something about something to do with finding something, and proceeded to remain in that spot for an hour, reading, while the shmooze oozed.

I understand it is not for me to enjoy, oh no, it is for people to network (I think). I am new in this country, I don't know anyone, and in all my experience of corporate interaction, nobody ACTUALLY listens to anyone they are talking 'at' anyway... You can almost see your words bouncing off their corporate plastic smile and overly firm handshakes ("Ahhh yes, that is what the motivational speaker said COMMAND THE MOMENT, BE IN THE ZONE, ACTIVATE INTERESTED EYES, etc etc buzzword, catchphrase, managerspeak")

So I merely remained outside the room, reading the BBC news (although it's relevance is sadly fading fast on me), hoping nobody would bother to find me. They didn't bother, or didn't find me, I am not sure which, but I will assume for the sake of Britishness it is that they didn't bother. Why couldn't we have mailed them the cost of the ticket and saved everyone a trip. Someone tell me WHO FINDS THESE THINGS FUN?

Anyway, I hope the boss doesn't mind too much that I didn't go in, and hopefully takes this as my stance against ever hitting a shmooze event ever again!!!! My prepared response to anyone asking as to why I was not in there with them facing the music would have been, "Oh but I am out here pretending to be ill and not going inside." No joking, and it works better for people you don't really know that well, because you are of course not to speak so honestly about anything like this really. And there really is no pre-scripted polite response to something like that....

Try me... I dare you...

Next time you are in a hotel with a full conference room and see some weirdo in a badly fitting suit, that makes him look like a cheap insurance salesman, just go ahead and ask what he is doing there. You will be shocked at the response. Of course I will gather then that you have already read this article and are prepared for such honesty. Interesting....